PRESS ONE

 I want my friends to know that I have at last, reluctantly, belatedly, updated my communications systems in order to experience a more efficient conversation. When you ring my telephone, you will hear the following:

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance and training purposes.

(1) If you are calling to ask if I am still alive and breathing, press one.

(2) If you are calling to ask about my cat, Wampuscat, press two. Wampuscat is a stuffed animal which I keep by my chair, but when you press two I will tell you about Wampuscat's latest antics.. I bought Wampuscat because my friends all were feeling sorry for me because I had neither dog, nor cat, nor goldfish, nor caged canary. Truth is, I am not responsible enough to be trusted with a live animal.

(3) If you are calling for an explanation of how to knit a chameleon scarf, press three. You need two separate colors of yarn. One color dominates one side, the other color dominates the other side. I discovered the pattern quite accidentally. It has confused advanced knitters, but I will try to get you started off correctly.

(4) If you are calling to share your description of the aurora borealis in the sky last night, press four. Although you need to understand that with my house facing southwest and the trees along the north of the property I do not have a clear vision to the north.

I hope this new telephone system facilitates our communications.

One more thing: It is being speculated that by 2026 the E.U. will legalize everyone's "right to talk to a human."